I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
