I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize