I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
