im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
