I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
