I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
