Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
