She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
