Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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