You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Success! We fucked roommates!
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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