Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
