I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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