while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
