Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
