I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
