rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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