I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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