I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I'm having to shit out rocks
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
