Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
third nipple confirmed
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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