Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
