I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
