I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
