I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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