Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
