so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
