Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize