she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
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