Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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