I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
