Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
no, he came in my armpit
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
