I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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