You can't special order awesome
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize