I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
