Taylor Swift is so right about you.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
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