No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
