You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
