I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
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