life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
