My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
