I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Randomize
