Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
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