Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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