What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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