know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
