I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
