and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
