I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
