I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
