Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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