I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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