put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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