Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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