I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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