Capitaan dildo arrescate!
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize