Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
