Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
My vagina is officially offended.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Randomize
