Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
