dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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