I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
