today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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