clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
