I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
